John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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