I cut my penus on the lid.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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