we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
