She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
