dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
