they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize