Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
