so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
