Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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