if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
