I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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