I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
