She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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