I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
