He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
