atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
