I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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