girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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