Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
