his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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