My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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