Where did you get a picture of my penis
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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