thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
