My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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