On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
