it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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