he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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