You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
