In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
