Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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