Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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