you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
