I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
