We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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