My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
