just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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