I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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