I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
