I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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