Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
