She is in my trunk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
