It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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