I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
