He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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