fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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