It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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