Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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