im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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