on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This toilet bowl is my home.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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