ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
