i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
