I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
