Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize