wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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