you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
