I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize