Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
