Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
